Beautiful, even with all the struggles

Today, I am just going to write.

I have been quite frustrated off and on lately… and that has led me to be even more frustrated.  😛  I recently saw my life from the eyes of, I guess, someone else, and discovered that it is the stuff of dreams.  I have no reason to complain about my life, or even to be dissatisfied.  And yet, here I am, being frustrated and upset, and wanting to complain anyway.  What’s with that?

I went on a beach adventure with some new friends recently, and a mini-series of unfortunate events and momentary bad decisions led me to an actual life-threatening experience.  No, the two of us did not die (obviously), and we didn’t actually end up in hospital or anything.  However, we were rather banged up and bloody, and the slightest difference in our actions could have left us in either or both situations (that is, in the hospital and/or dead).

Nonetheless, I required myself to get something out of the experience, to see something new for myself and my life.  What I have found so far, is that there are many places where I am not being true to myself, where I am not being authentic and fully self-expressed in my life.  (Not that this was actually news to me, but I am seeing them all now from the eyes of someone out to do something about it.)

Of course, these areas all seem to be directly linked to the points where I want to complain and cry about my life.

Example: I feel uninspired and unfulfilled with work – well, have I actually sat down and created what I truly want to have my work be for long-term, how I want my work to look?  Nope.  I have done a fabulous job of finding something to escape my complaints with my previous work.  Out of the context of ‘This job sucks for me; how could I take a break from working?’, I found myself jetting across the world on another adventure.

The fact that I’m somewhat painfully uninspired by my complete lack of work to do while required to be at work only makes perfect sense – I wanted ‘not work’.  I wanted a break from work.  And that’s exactly what I got: I’m getting paid to learn a new language and culture, and to share my language with others, however they ask me to share it.  Definitely not something I consider to be work. (Though talk about having to let go of being in charge!  Wowzer.)

Now, the moment I see this adventure as my long-term job, I hate my job.  However, remembering that this is my created chance to figure out what I want to do next about work completely transforms my daily life.  With that in mind, I am left with the space actually to create exactly what I want, as well as enjoy each day for what it is, right here and now.

And this isn’t just for work.  I am here, as I said months ago, ‘to figure out what I want to do with myself… now, next, and in life as a whole.’  All those areas of my life that seem to be an off-and-on struggle right now, actually are covered by this scope of ‘What do I do with myself?’

So, my new question is: What do I put in place as a means of wondering into my future and creating who, how, and where I want to be, and what I want to be doing?  By working on this question in particular, I get to develop ideas and then actions to take, which will disappear my current reasons for complaint.

That being said, I will figure out tonight, before I go to sleep, exactly how I want to do this. Seeing as how I am very good at procrastinating for large things, I believe it will be five to ten minutes each day, where I sit down with a notebook entitled “My Future, Created”, and write.  Whatever comes up, I just write about it, and I keep always in mind that I am creating my future here, that my words are turning clouds of evasive thought into concrete ideas, to be then turned into reality by my actions and ways of being.

(Plus, the way things usually go for me, as soon as I begin doing something about it all, things are just handed to me.  I recently said, ‘I’m going to try this teaching thing,’ and then began an online course for certification.  A week later, without having sought out anything, I had a job offer teaching, with no certification required.  This is part of the beauty of how my life works.)

So… life is beautiful.  And I happen to be off work in 2 minutes, at which time I shall bolt to my wifi-free apartment;  furniture awaits me in boxes, and I am ready to put it all together and finish creating my new living space.  (The next step in loving my new daily life, I suppose!)  🙂  No matter what, though, life always will be what I create it to be – it’s completely up to me.  😛  So, I choose to create life as beautiful, even with all of the struggles.  😀

 


The Stuff of Dreams

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Grateful to be Alive

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