I’ve been thinking about why I haven’t been exploring Japan. Not necessarily the country at large, but just the big things around me. If I really wanted to get to know the place, I would be out there, doing things, discovering. I’d be researching at home, and heading out most nights to acquaint myself. And yet, here I sit, exhausted and avoiding, several nights a week. (Sure, I go out here and there, but I’m clearly not out to get to know the place for real, so far as my own standards go.)
Hopping into the shower this evening, I ended up sitting half an hour under the hot water, only half-conscious, pondering back over this thought: Why is it that I don’t want to get to know Japan?
Am I worried that I might come to love being in a place, which initially met me with such great distaste and dislike, that I didn’t want to enjoy it? Am I concerned that, if I like it here, I’ll stay longer, thereby increasing my time of being solo in life? Or is it that I’m terrified I might discover that I’m actually more than okay ending up solo for the rest of my life? Hey, perhaps it’s something else entirely (though, knowing me as I do, I’m thinking the first three have a good amount of influence on the current state of things). Whatever the case, though, it is clear that I’m afraid of getting to know and like Japan.
I know there are plenty of wonderful things all around me, and at any number of distances away from me. I Want to see them, experience them, learn from them, and then share them with others. Yet I regularly find myself scared even considering looking up some bit of research to go somewhere. I almost did it last week, but I chickened out at the last minute, and didn’t go (maybe I’ll make that my first jump fully into the mix of discovering Japan!). I cam up with reasonable reasons not to go, of course, as I always do. But I just as well would have come up with fabulous reasons for going, had I gone…., except that I didn’t go, and I never do go.
I did the same thing in Germany, in a sense. I think, at that time, I was afraid of letting go of what I left behind me, back in Houston. I so wanted to let go, it pained me to hold on, but I just wouldn’t let it all go (at first, anyway – I eventually got over it and totally loved everything about where I was now). And it left me trapped in my room most days, instead of out exploring the beautiful town, filled with amazing, kind people. …Hmm… that has me wonder: Am I unwilling to let go of something from before coming here? (Gosh, that would make loads of sense! Why have I only just thought of it? Anyway, moving on…) I think so, but I’m not sure what it is… tonight’s homework(!) is what it is. I’m going to see what I’m avoiding letting go, and turn a bit Elsa on it (song and all!). Then I’m going to rock on the world of Japan, like the true fabulous explorer and lover I am.
Love to you all
Day 37 of 40