This depression thing sure is interesting.
Tonight, as I sat eating dinner on a beach, thinking about the last time I’d had meal on a beach (a topless beach in Barcelona, Spain), while staring at the water and the highway above it, I noticed how much myself I had been tonight.
I had spoken up proactively about not going to an izakaya (Japanese bar-restaurant), expressed easily why I didn’t want to go, and even answered questions about why (drinking nomihodai (all you can drink) is not one of my favorite things, and smoking just makes me miserable (most establishments allow smoking indoors in Japan, it seems)). And I did it all with a sense of easy, calm comfort. I was not afraid to be myself and to admit, ‘I don’t want that, and I don’t support it, so I’m not going to do it,’ although I have been so much in the past.
Although there are plenty of times at which I feel completely not myself with this whole depression thing, there are also times like tonight, when I feel more like myself than I have ever felt in certain areas of my life.
Perhaps it is the fact that I have been so not myself, and that I am really having to work on myself and my life, such that I can be rid of this overpowering funk that seems to control my life in such painful ways, that I am having breakthroughs in certain areas of my life. Because I have made this conscious effort, and continue each day to make it, to be… well, to be what, precisely? Is it to be myself again? Perhaps it is to be the best myself that I can be.
I suppose that only makes sense, right? I want to be the best “me” I can be, and so, eventually, that starts to happen. Even though the bottom-dwelling funks still occur, the breakthroughs are becoming stronger and stronger… I guess what I’m failing to say clearly is that, since I established that something was incredibly wrong in my life and that change – transformation, actually – needed to happen, I have been working to my core to make these alterations to create a transformed me and transformed life for me. And so, things that weren’t too bad before my depression are getting cleared up entirely now, because they are being addressed. (As opposed to being left alone before, since those particular areas/things were ‘good enough’ as they were.)
Anyway, I’m exhausted, so I’ll sleep now. Today was an interesting day for me both in terms of what happened, as well as how my mind had to work to manage it all. I found myself cursing and expressing utter dislike for Japan, as I stood in the cold, after missing a train at six in the morning (due to the system of how the trains are labeled, and its being completely unhelpful as Inwas rushing to make an important transfer), and yet I was able to let that be so while still being able to look forward to my trip. The first didn’t ruin the latter – they were separate entities. Things similar to this incident have happened all day long for me, and I handled each one similarly to this train scenario. A very tiring task mentally, when so many things go poorly in a single day. But it was almost unbelievable progress for me, and I am so happy, it makes me cry with relief (and a bit of exhaustion, too, of course).
So yeah… there’s that for today. 🙂