Today, I met someone who has lived so far what I consider to be an awesome life – one which I quite envy. While the specific locations were different than my own desired locations, the situations all beautifully aligned with a growing-up that I at least want for my own children, since I didn’t have it for myself.
In an odd way, I was grateful to find that this person had a girlfriend, and so was unavailable for consideration. Why is that, exactly? Well, a good chunk is the usual part of just wanting to be friends with an awesome person, without the hassle of dating potential getting in the way at any point, as is usual when meeting awesome guys. (for me, anyway) However, upon further inquiry, I discovered within myself something surprising. I wouldn’t want to date him, because he is so awesome.
See, as I was thinking about all of these things he has done and all of the accomplishments he has (and how there are likely plenty more of which I have currently heard nothing), I noticed that, if he were available, I wouldn’t actually want to date him. With all of his awesome background and talents and such, I would feel so below him in a daring situation, so to speak. As friends, I’m okay with his awesomeness. But not in dating.
What’s with that, huh?
I have begun to see that, perhaps – just perhaps – I not only do not want to date someone superior to me, but I want to date someone to whom I feel superior. If I were to date someone who had done all the awesome things I have done in my life, it would take away a huge portion of my pride from my uniqueness of experiences and talents. Does that mean, then, that I am actually looking for someone to whom I look down, despite my conviction that I want to be able to respect my partner in a somewhat-looking-up-to sort of way?
This then leads me to a question of whether this 1) is something I actually want for my future partner, and 2) is playing a role in my having been unable to find someone.
I feel almost as if a whole section of my perspective and being has just been shattered, and sh**’s about to get real, you know? It is time for some true and genuine reflection on an area of myself I never even understood to exist. Yockers, this’ll be interesting, for sure!