A New Self in an old place

I find it amazing how it is somewhat terrifying to face an old circumstance as a new person.  When one has changed so much – one could even say that a transformation has occurred, at times – that the behaviors previously associated with a certain circumstance seem incredibly strange, not you, almost foreign.  And yet… when the circumstances present themselves for the first time since this transformation of the self, the transformation seems to rush to the corner, preparing to cower and disappear until the circumstances go away.

I say all of this, because I find myself tonight in one of those circumstances.  I was once a very active member in this portion of the dance community.  Who I was and how I was when I last was really involved, they are completely different from who and how I am now.  Especially through all of my struggles, and my rustling self-improvement and self-empowerment these past 8-ish months, I am not the same person as I was back then, in the dance world.  However, tonight is the first time that I am really back in that world – it is the first time the new self meets the old circumstances.

And so, as I began tonight’s events with the dance community, my comfortable calm from earlier in the evening began quickly to quaver, giving me a sense of panic, overall discomfort, and rather short breaths.

However, I was able to notice these things happening to me, almost as though I were metely an observer of the events, and not the one actually experiencing them.  In doing that, I was able to make sense of the situation – I began to panic, because panicky stress was who I was being when last I was in this world of dance.  I had never known this world as the new self, and it was so second-nature for me to behave the old way, as I had done it so often for so long.

So, instead of panicking further about my panicking, or letting the old ways take hold, I thanked them for sharing their thoughts, and evaluated the actual situation in front of me.  Do I actually care about such-and-such?  No, not really.  Other people see it differently, though.  Am I okay with that?  Yes, I actually am.  Okie doke.

And suddenly I am free of the stress, and I get to be myself again, and freely so.  And it is wonderful.  It is still a bit terrifying, thinking of going fully back into this world in the coming months and year.  However, this rough but groundbreaking start was a great way to get the ball rolling, and to encourage and empower me to be my true self, no matter what.
Post-a-day 2017

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