Today, I did some fun things including showing up my friend at children’s games, but I don’t feel like sharing about that right now. I feel like being philosophical, ponderous… something like that. And yet, here I lie with almost no thoughts, no words in mind or even on their way. I am listening to the guitar upstairs, and what sounds like company sharing in the music for once (it is Saturday night, after all). I am somewhat worried about the next couple months, specifically regarding how they will unfold. I fear regrets, especially for after I have left this country, and am back living in my own. I fear my being wonderful and amazingly successful in my endeavors once I’m back there. I fear letting go of my endeavors in exchange for something safe. I fear not becoming myself, not being myself once I am back there in a seemingly unchanged world as an incredibly changed person. Someone told us to take a picture of ourselves before we begin this time in Japan. I had forgotten to do that before leaving home, but I took a picture in the elevator on my way down to our very first meeting on my first day of orientation here. I wonder what I will see different in my final photo as I say goodbye to this place. I know that the two people in the photos are similar, however, they are in no way the same. I loved and still do love who the former person was, and I do not want to become her again.
These are things that are sitting in my being right now. If you would have asked me before I wrote this, what I was thinking, I couldn’t have told you. But now, as I have written this, I can see clearly that this is what was resting in my mind, in my heart, in my bones and flesh and breath… in fact, somewhat restricting my breath…, and that that is why I do not care to share the joys of today, but feel myself to be of a philosophical persuasion at present. I could have lived with the greats right now.