Falling asleep

I’m lying in my bed, eyes closed, head on pillow, lamp on, and I am snuggling my stuffed animal (it’s a dog) and holding my phone, which is illuminated and plugged into the wall.  A blank page awaits me, and sleep just barely evades me.  What do I write tonight?  What is it that people need to read, or just want to read?  What is it that I need to express?  What is ready to come out of me for now and forever?

Sometimes, answering these questions is all too easy, and I almost don’t even have to ask them.  And other times, I can barely even ask them, for lack of an answer for any of them.  Sometimes, what needs to come out of me, I am unwilling to let go at the present moment.  And sometimes, what others want to read, I do not have to share (currently, anyway).  A friend told me that she wanted me to write a book about my life, and that she would be an avid reader if I wrote it.  This is something said by one person.  And yet, it is a driving force behind my dedication to writing daily – if I am to write a book, I wanted to be comfortable and easy writing constantly.

As it is, it is easy for me to write, and even to find plenty of topics about which I want to write.  My only struggle however comes in with timing.  When do I most have time to write currently?  At least, when do I most have time to write, as well as a comfort around me that creates the will to write?  Just before bed, when I’m at home and comfy and happy and at ease.  This means, on most days, anyway, that I am exhausted by the time it is time to pick a topic for writing.  Therefore, I often go for whatever topic will be shorter to share.  And how unfair is that?  I realize the shorter topic is no less important than the longer.  It is merely that the longer stories almost never have a chance.  It also means that I have a significantly higher rate of error in my writings, in part due to my sleepiness and lack of clear vision, and often in part due to the fact that I use speech recognition to write, as though I am simply telling a story with verbal punctuation in it.  Occasionally, speech recognition doesn’t quite capture what I am actually saying in my slightly mumbled and slurred state of sleepiness.  Sometimes, however, I kind of just don’t make any sense in the first place, and speech recognition has almost nothing to do with the resulting semi-nonsense.

Anyway, … that’s tonight.  Goodnight and good morning.


Post-a-day 2017

an outlook saving the day

Sometimes, there are days when everything seems to go perfectly, and yet I feel dreadful (mentally).  And then there are, on the other end of the spectrum, days when things continuously seem to be going wrong, one thing after the next, and yet I feel, somehow, totally okay (and sometimes even quite good).  Today was one of the latter type of days.

Thing after thing went wrong and went ways I utterly disliked, and I was even borderline crying over some of them (for various valid and ridiculous reasons).  I actually did cry at least a couple times today.  And, somehow, everything worked out such that I’m feeling quite well right now, as I prep for bed at 8:16pm.  I am exhausted.  And I’m doing okay anyway.

One thing I noticed throughout the day, was how I kept honest and open with myself about my frustrations, and I talked through them each time they arose.  ‘This is what I have (this situation).  Now, what can I do with it?”  Sure, I occasionally had the angry and unkind words in response to this inquiry, but I always was able to let them go, and to find an actual remedy to whatever the situation, be it a mental attitude switch or an actual exchange in something regarding my at-the-time circumstances.

So, I am here, freezing my feet and extremities off, wondering if I’ll be able even to function tomorrow after the near-constant beating I received today from my second day ever (first day was about ten years ago) snowboarding.  And I’m okay.

Yeah.  I’m okay.  🙂
Post-a-day 2017