I’m kind of exhausted. And kind of feel like crying and curling up in a ball.
There have been a LOT of memories going through this stuff. And, with that, has naturally come Loads of emotions. Lots of them quite strong, too.
I guess that’s a big part of why I kept the stuff.
And as of this morning, I find myself not wanting to take on cleaning out and going through anything else right now. Like I need a vacation from it.
Especially since so much of my stuff is disorganized amongst the various boxes, the task feels more exhausting. Because, rather then opening up a box and re-living fifth grade, I open up a single box and am going through parts of fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, and possibly even a memory or three from before and after those years. And going through the memories of those years isn’t just ‘going through memories’. It’s also re-experiencing the emotions and thoughts and thought patterns of it all. So, in cleaning through one box, I am living several years – and from the very formative years – of my life in a matter of an hour or few. Talk about exhausting… that is exhausting.
And I want a break from it for a little while, so my mind and my nerve endings can relax again and not be so constantly overwhelmed.
I sorted through almost an entire box of old papers today. I left out about two inches worth of spirals and papers, because I knew they specifically had loads of content I would want to peruse (and possibly photograph) somewhat thoroughly. And it was exhausting. However, I lay down sideways for a minute or two on my bed, and then got to work on another box of mixed stuff. I pulled out a few things for donation, more for trash, and loads for recycling. There’s still a good chunk of papers left in this box, however, that is only about 8% of what was in the box earlier today.
All-in-all, I am quite satisfied with the progress I made today on my clearing out, cleaning, and organizing task. It is suddenly as though an entire half of my room is in spectacular condition (while the other half has mediocre cleanliness and clutter, as well as several boxes of apartment stuff). After having the entire room be a storage room, in which one could barely walk to get to the twin mattress on the floor, this is spectacular. 😛 Just in case you didn’t know how things were in here before.
Anyway…, I want to finish out that last 8% of the one box tomorrow, and play with the glass ball I found in it. And yes, the glass ball is made for playing with it. It isn’t a fortune-telling object, nor is it decoration (intentionally). It is for playing. And I am greatly looking forward to doing so with it. 🙂
I’m a little off today from all the back-and-forth wth emotions. Things were super positive this morning, which was an extreme contrast to yesterday evening and last night. And then things were dreadful for a little while, and then tolerably comfortable for a bit, and then frustrating, and then quite good, and then wonderful, and then mediocre, followed by a burst of totally awesome tonight, and then back down to this near-numbness of right now, absorbing it all as I review the day. I’m not ready to sleep yet, so I don’t want to do my sleep stuff yet.
I guess that means it’s a good time to play some ukulele. Let it all go. Pull an Elsa, but in a warm, island-y way. Yeah.
Some days, staying awake 12 hours can feel like the longest, most exhausting day of one’s life.
Today, I have been in an area that feels like the end of my whits in terms of toleration of things. Even the little things, the ones that usually are very oh, well, whatever to me, evoked strong reactions from me today. To be fair, I did have a good amount of nonsense and frustration today with school. And I am quite tired. I struggled driving home tonight, and it was hardly after 8:30. By 9:00, I was sort of an angry emotional wreck, desperately prepping and eating some food, in a state of distress. Now, showered and sitting on my bed, I have tears edging their way out of me, though I haven’t felt any in waiting all day. (Except for during the really good bits of the opera, of course, but that’s totally different from the rest of the day’s events and emotions.)
I am angry, to at least frustrated, and I’m not sure why… and I worry that it is for health reasons that I am so stressed. Part of me wants to be right, but I think more of me wants to be wrong… and I worry that I am right, anyway.
I’m hardly making sense, I think, so I’ll just go to sleep, possibly sobbing a bit to relieve whatever this is coming up right now. I had a similarly-strong-emotion day this past weekend, and I wonder if they are related to the same underlying concern to which I have considered attributing today’s emotional state.
Anyway… goodnight, please.
My cousin wants me to start work on this work-out plan, with a very unique tie into a specialty of mine. The idea itself sounds like something totally awesome not only to create, but also to use once it is created. The task, though, feels almost daunting right now, in the midst of my minimal free/me time. I hardly get enough sleep to function decently right now, I have so little time to accomplish anything that has me feel accomplished, satisfied with my day, I have to do it all late at night before I pass out. I hardly have the time to exercise the way I want (Actually, I don’t have the time and energy to do it the way I actually want to do it, but I am finally getting in some exercise (at last!), though it has me getting to bed even later, which doesn’t help on the muscle restore front after the exercise).
I love the work I am doing right now, and I am dearly grateful for it – it is a blessing in and of itself. I am very much looking forward to what comes next, when this current job is finished. I will miss this, and I will be grateful to have moved to the next thing. It will be time. (I think that is really the main thought behind all of this right now.)
Sometimes, I fear tomorrow. Not because I fear the dawn or what is to come, but because I worry that I have not done enough with today, and that the feeling will drag into tomorrow, as well. I am exhausted and I want to sleep, yet I have lain awake (just barely) in my bed for over half an hour already. I accomplished much today, both physically and mentally, and I had a wonderful time with my mom, sharing most of the day with her, loving one another well and clearly. But today is Saturday, and tomorrow is Sunday. I have so little time during the weekdays right now, that I feel a compulsion to make each weekend fully “worth it”. Today was great, and yet I worry that Monday will arrive, and I will wish I had done something more over the weekend. To be fair, though, I typically wish that I had had more sleep over the weekend, more so than wishing I’d done anything else. How odd… perhaps it is best, then, that I sleep now.