A morning prayer can really save the day. ❤
A morning prayer can really save the day. ❤
The following is the transcription of a letter I found this week. (Yes, it was in one of the boxes of papers and folders and such.) I wish I had found it months ago, when I’d first returned from Japan. However, it still did me loads of good when I read it the other day. While I missed out on some bits it mentions, I actually did a really good job of fulfilling most of the tasks prescribed in it… a version of them, anyway.
Anyway, it is a letter I wrote to myself when I was still on my college campus, about to leave to study abroad in Germany and Austria. As per standards of our school’s study abroad program, we all had to write our future selves a letter, which would be mailed to us upon our return from our study abroad programs. I fully acknowledge that mine is full of grammatical errors, but that was part of why I was going abroad anyway – to improve my language skills. Also, the whole letter is written in cursive, because I do that. The third sentence actually caused me to tear up, and the fourth had me crying. It’s amazing how right I was, and I really didn’t know that I ever would be in the current situation in which I find myself.
10. April 2012
Hannah Leigh, chèrie,
Ich weiss nicht, was muss ich dir sagen. Ich kenne dich nicht, weil du so viel gechanged hast. Welcome home – may it still feel that way to you. You are forever welcome here, so remember that – you might need it some day. Okay, here’s what I want you to do:
1) Go record it. Get on your computer, write up any questions
you would love for others to ask, & then record yourself
answering them. Then you can do what you want with
it all, but you will have that satisfaction, that completeness,
wholeness of having shared what you needed, desired, wanted
2) Talk to people. Make a quick list of what specifically you already
have wanted to share with whom. Call each person & set up when
& where you will share what you have to share. Share with them.
3) Talk to Opa. No matter where he is, go visit him & talk with
him completely in German.
4) Find someone local with whom you can be open, close, & frank, & speak
only German (or completely German) together with ease.
5) Remember that it’s all right not to “know” who you are. Knowing
makes no difference, anyway, so no good reason to bother with it.
Look yourself in the mirror & see all that has passed, & be open to
all that will come.
6) You are woman & you create the universe with your being. Your
power is endless, & it is selfless love that feels it. Love your
mother & your Mother. Love your self wholly, & your next
step will become available and visible to you.
7) Be at peace. Even if it was &/or is hard, it is all relative.
Take it for the beneficial experience that it is, & enjoy every
bit you have gotten & will get from it all.
8) Now & every time you see that it just might possibly help,
take a deep breath & close your eyes, letting your thoughts
run around & then calm naturally as you breathe deeply.
I love you & I wish you all the best. I am here with you always, though I will now be transformed from the time I wrote this letter. My understanding & my love have only increased & expanded, I promise. You are wonderful. You are beautiful. You are mine.
I love you. Love me, too.
❤ Peace Hannah Leigh
P.S. Pretend I pressed a flower in here to give you a wholesome smile & kiss. 🙂 oxox
Today’s first step was to create this vision. It was rather easy to create, really. And I can see it all quite clearly. I am really struggling with what will come next, though, and I don’t know why I’m bothering resisting it. I think the feeling is that it will be difficult to do, and that I will mess it all up somehow. I guess I could just bracket the concerns, and go into it full-heartedly and consciously, with intention. Otherwise, I’ll just keep resisting and getting nothing useful, happy, or good accomplished at all. 😛
I wake in the morning happy, have some tea or hot chocolate, and do some yoga, stretching, and meditation. I dress easily in clothes selected last night. As I check my reflection in the mirror, I am delighted in what I see all around. On the days I want it, I sit down at a large mirror and put on some makeup. Otherwise, I just brush my hair.
I have a work space with a sewing machine, and clothes rack behind it with my current and most recent work hanging. There is an asel in the corner with beautiful and happy painting supplies. An art box is near it, filled with the art supplies I use, and a small arrangement of blank canvases. There is lots of white in the rooms, but a warmth from different home-y pieces around… mostly shades of blue and wood-brown. I have a place to set my laptop on a desk (after pulling it out from a shelf or drawer, where it was put away) to work using it, with a notebook next to it for thoughts and notes. My woven stool sits in the corner for sitting, reading, meditating, with my sheepskin partly atop it. There is a large rug or two on the floor, with a few feather throw pillows around casually. I make bracelets and malas on the floor, and always pick up everything when I finish a session. I have a creative collage happening on one wall – a dream board. I see it and admire it every day, and add to it occasionally, as I find new pieces I want to have be part of it. My work room is a haven of peace, giddy delight, and the creativity of God and Woman.
Sometimes, I sit with tea while music plays on the record player. I do my art – sewing, painting, or making my stone bead art (bracelets and malas, mostly) – and usually have music playing, often on the record player. It sits to the side, with a small set of albums by it.
My bedroom is calm and cozy and inviting. It is very clean-feeling. I spend my time here mostly only after I have recently showered. My essential oils and incense are set up in here. When I get ready for bed, I have a set place to put my dirty clothes, and it is small – just large enough for a load or two of washing, and always slightly empty. I select between two or three beloved shampoos and conditioners when I shower, and I wrap myself in towels that I love when I finish. It is easy to pull out my floss, toothbrush, toothpaste and return them to their easy places. The same with the rubbing alcohol and Q-tips. Sometimes I have another tea after my shower and before brushing my teeth. I brush my hair and meditate, before doing my bedtime reading, all in the light of fairy lights and maybe a standing lamp in the corner with similar light. I pull out my clothes for the next day after I check the expected weather. I fall asleep happily.
In all of this, I did not see my own clothing. It is all put away, except for the outfit I have selected for the day, which is laying out, waiting for me. I have a small section of “Memory Materials” in, I think, my room, for my future partner and/or child/ren to peruse with and without me.
I read, but I didn’t notice any books in the vision I created. (Just about four of them.) I also noticed no movies…
I had to talk with my brother about the book part. He thinks I’ve hit upon something profound about the way I want to live and the relationship I have with books. I have them all documented as “Read” and “Want to read” on GoodReads, anyway, so why do I need to keep a physical record? I’m not 100% convinced that I’d be happy down the road if I didn’t keep a handful of my sought-out books from my youth, but I do believe that I am fine letting even more go than I had ever anticipated… I mean, I already went through them briefly today, just to see how I felt when I looked at them from this new perspective, and pulled out about a sixth of the books… with ease and comfort. So, yeah… This will be an adventure. I am certain of it.
Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t just be better to get a high-paying job in an office, and start saving up. Then, after a couple or few years, start the process for adoption. The only work so far that I have loved doing, without almost any question ever, is doing things with other people’s kids (nannying). Maybe having a somewhat terrible corporate job in suits is worth it for having a kid…
I just don’t see myself happy each morning and each bedtime in a job like that, and that means bad sleep each night and a tough start to the day each morning.
I don’t know… sometimes I get depressive, and then desperate, and start calculating what ‘makes sense’ for life, as opposed to ‘listening to my heart’. Come to think of it, I’m not sure I’ve even asked my heart what I/it want/wants to do with my life and time…
Now is as good a time as ever, I suppose. 🙂
P.S. I’ve noticed that, whenever I get upset in the depressed, my life is going nowhere experience, I have an almost panicked desire to move to Europe, and it is most often France. It’s not like I have any idea whatsoever what I would do there, or how that would solve any of my current issues. Plus, it would create the issue of being away from almost everyone I know and love and who loves me, since most of them are in the US. However, there’s just this feeling that arises that living in Europe somehow would just make everything okay, and in a good way (not just tolerable okay, but good okay). Anyway, just something I noticed tonight.
I wanted to snuggle with the cat tonight. Instead, he is running back and forth through the rooms, playing with the curtains, and I might have to put him in the other room, so he doesn’t destroy the curtains once I fall asleep… oh, well… I guess it’s meant to be.
Or something like that, anyway…
I’m not sure when or exactly how I stopped the regular giving of Christmas presents, but it feels like it has been a long and slow progression from standard present-giving to no present-giving at all. This is not to say that I do not give love to my loved ones – I certainly do. It is just that I give my love in the form of concern, interest, and time. I plan out things for us to do together, and I get us to go do them together. I find a way to get myself halfway across the country to be with the family members who have been on their own in recent years, missing the family. And I make things like this seem like they are only natural, and why would anyone not do such a thing. Not as a way to show off or anything, of course, but because they are just so easy to me. Kind of like the ends justifying the effort, and therefore making the effort almost no strain at all.
And so far as giving physical presents are concerned, I do still give those from time to time in life. However, I give them, because there I something I want to give to someone, there is something I want to do for someone. It usually is not tied to any particular holiday or day. It is tied merely to the fact that I care about the person, and there is something I want to give to him/her. I re-made an acquaintance a few years ago, and, after only two meet-ups and discussions, I left a present at the person’s front door in secret. It was a book I felt sure this person would love, and that I wanted this person to be able to experience, after our discussions together. (Turns out that it was a total hit.) I’m not sure we ever saw one another again, due to various circumstances, but that was okay. That is life sometimes. The point was that I gave the present freely and genuinely, and expected and wished for nothing in return. My only hope was that the book be enjoyed, and it was.
For me, that kind of thing is normal. I give, because I want to give, and there usually is a something specific that I want to give. At Christmas, I used to feel a need to give to everyone I know. And I would be almost frustrated at being unable to do such a thing. I guess this is how that situation has evolved over recent years, with last year, alone in Japan and with very little income, being a rather large factor in how Christmas looks this year for me. When I accepted that it really wouldn’t work to do most anything physical for people, I suddenly noticed how I didn’t really like the whole situation in the first place.
It’s like how I made strong efforts to figure out what kind of scarf a friend of mine would use, and made one for him for Christmas. And he gave me some socks from home, that were socks for a type of shoe that I never even wear, and were a color that I definitely don’t even own (and on purpose). We definitely discussed this all after the fact, and even laughed about it. We just had totally different attitudes toward the gift-giving. I had thought about giving him a good scarf a long time before Christmas. Due to my laziness mostly, I believe, I didn’t end up making it until the week before Christmas, using Christmas as my back-up plan for giving him the scarf (kind of a no later than this date thing for giving him the scarf, because i might never do it otherwise). But I had found out material and color and style and everything that would be appropriate and most helpful for his scarf. He, on the other hand, had wanted to give me a Christmas present, and so looked for something that would be suitable for a Christmas present between new friends. His gift was totally appropriate for such standards. Quite frankly, though, spending time together would have been much more valuable to and appreciated by me than a pair of socks that have nothing to do with me. Plus, it’s a better way of life, being less wasteful with our resources. 😛
Anyway, this all just has to do with the fact that I don’t like doing the mandatory or obligatory presents for holidays, and might even dislike it. Yes, I like that it gives a specific opportunity to consider something special to give to another. No, I don’t like how often we give/receive things no one seems to want or to find useful in life in our society right now. And so I have let go of participating in it. I think my dad’s side of the family will struggle for at least a few more years with the idea, still wondering why they should give to me, if I am not giving to them – hint: I have told them that I do not need anything given to me for Christmas or my birthday, but, if they desperately want to give me something, they can give me a pony. I think a pony is the only thing for which I have asked for my birthday since I was around 13 or 14. Not that I expect one, by any means, but it would be spectacular to have a pony given to me for my birthday. Otherwise, there’s nothing that comes to mind without feeling wasteful in the world.
It kind of takes away a bit of the feeling of Christmas, not exchanging presents with everyone. However, I currently am happy without the presents – all I ever really want is time together with the ones I love. The presents are almost upsetting to me, considering my background with stuff and feeling incredibly wasteful if I ever get rid of anything. I usually prefer receiving nothing, so I don’t have to feel bad at either not using it or at wanting to give it away or throw it away, when its time has really come to an end.
I realized today that right now is the perfect time for one of those necessary unpaid internships designed to get into a field of work. I have a place to live, and am mostly provided food and water, and all without immediate cost to me. And I have support from family to pursue what I feel is best. I just need to keep up my end of the semi-agreement for the next toward a half (-ish) months, and I expect that the food and shelter will remain available to me at the same cost for quite some time… giving me the perfect opportunity to test out those jobs that have intrigued me, but would not offer money for the first little while of working in them.
We shall see..