Sleep, or stare at the wall?

Do you ever find yourself lying in bed at night, thinking about nothing in particular, and just lying there with the last light still illuminated, unsure of what you are doing?  It happens to me every so often.  I wonder if it has to do with stress or decisions, or even something else like that.  I was doing it just now, though I’m not sure why.  I just know that I suddenly realized that I am uttlery exhausted, and yet I have not even tried to do my bit-o-writing and reading for the night so that I could actually go to sleep – I was just observing my fairy lights on the wall (my main night lights and room illuminations ever since I saw it at my cousin’s friend’s house when we all were in college), and not intentionally.  It’s as though I want the moment or night to last longer, without realizing the want… or something like that, anyway.

I don’t know.  I am exhausted, though, and that I do know.

Post-a-day 2017

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Falling asleep

I’m lying in my bed, eyes closed, head on pillow, lamp on, and I am snuggling my stuffed animal (it’s a dog) and holding my phone, which is illuminated and plugged into the wall.  A blank page awaits me, and sleep just barely evades me.  What do I write tonight?  What is it that people need to read, or just want to read?  What is it that I need to express?  What is ready to come out of me for now and forever?

Sometimes, answering these questions is all too easy, and I almost don’t even have to ask them.  And other times, I can barely even ask them, for lack of an answer for any of them.  Sometimes, what needs to come out of me, I am unwilling to let go at the present moment.  And sometimes, what others want to read, I do not have to share (currently, anyway).  A friend told me that she wanted me to write a book about my life, and that she would be an avid reader if I wrote it.  This is something said by one person.  And yet, it is a driving force behind my dedication to writing daily – if I am to write a book, I wanted to be comfortable and easy writing constantly.

As it is, it is easy for me to write, and even to find plenty of topics about which I want to write.  My only struggle however comes in with timing.  When do I most have time to write currently?  At least, when do I most have time to write, as well as a comfort around me that creates the will to write?  Just before bed, when I’m at home and comfy and happy and at ease.  This means, on most days, anyway, that I am exhausted by the time it is time to pick a topic for writing.  Therefore, I often go for whatever topic will be shorter to share.  And how unfair is that?  I realize the shorter topic is no less important than the longer.  It is merely that the longer stories almost never have a chance.  It also means that I have a significantly higher rate of error in my writings, in part due to my sleepiness and lack of clear vision, and often in part due to the fact that I use speech recognition to write, as though I am simply telling a story with verbal punctuation in it.  Occasionally, speech recognition doesn’t quite capture what I am actually saying in my slightly mumbled and slurred state of sleepiness.  Sometimes, however, I kind of just don’t make any sense in the first place, and speech recognition has almost nothing to do with the resulting semi-nonsense.

Anyway, … that’s tonight.  Goodnight and good morning.

Peace

Post-a-day 2017